Free Food: If I had a black kid, I would take him to a supermarket and say, “I adopted this black kid. I can’t really afford him, so buy me some food … or else he’ll have to go back to Africa”. Then, people will feel immensely sorry for the predicament I have placed myself in, and will feel the urge to buy us food. Once I have what I want, I would say to everyone, “Oh shit, this isn’t my kid, he’s black, and I’m fairly sure I’m white.” I will then leave the store without him, only to go back later to retrieve what is mine, since I might need him in the future.

Pick Up Line: I would take him to a bar, walk up to a girl and say, “Oh, hey, I saw that you were looking at my black kid. I adopted him from Africa, which means I must have a lot of money, so, you should want to date me. Because, well, you’re just a gold digging whore aren’t you?” She’ll be so brainwashed by my manly dominance that she will bow down to my every word. Life would be good as a pimp.

Adoption:  If I’m ever expected to adopt an animal, or a human. I can reveal my black kid and announce that I’ve already adopted, so therefore, can’t adopt again. People will then praise me for having a kind heart and may give me free stuff, or their wallet.

Good Friend: When a friend asks me for a favour, I can say simply, “here, borrow my black kid and go get yourself some free food. Just don’t lose him”. My friend will then owe me a favour, like, giving me their Mexican kid so I can go get some free tacos.

Easy Busk: I would take my black kid to the city, then make him stand next to me with his hand held out. While he’s doing that, I will announce that he was left at my doorstep, and I don’t have enough money to care for him, so he has to fend for himself. People will feel sorry for us both and will insist on giving him money so that he may care for himself. I would then take the money from him, and buy something nice.

Committing Crime: When Officers come to my door, accusing me of stealing the neighbour’s Lawn Mower, because I can’t afford my own, I will call my black kid to the door and say to the Officers, “Here’s your culprit boys, I saw him take it the other night”. Then, with racism still embedded in their hearts, they will believe that my black kid committed the crime, leaving my hands clean and ready to continue mowing. I’m sure he can bail himself out.